Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Randomize
