He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
