No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
