Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
