Pants 0. Shit 1.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
