8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
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