ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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