So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
This beer is not sobering me up at all
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
