Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
