I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Randomize
