Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Your penis caused this!
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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