I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
