the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
