Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
