In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Randomize
