all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
