we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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