is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
My underwear smells like fireworks.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
