i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
