Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Randomize
