Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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