i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
