My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Randomize
