a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
