There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
You've changed since you got that strap on
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
