he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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