:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
