maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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