Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
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