Where are you?
In a non slutty way
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Randomize
