so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
