I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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