I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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