she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
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