A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
