It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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