If that was your dad, he is hot
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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