She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
