who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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