What a fucking waste of an outfit
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
