you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Randomize
