I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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