I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
