Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Randomize
