I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
