I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
