just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
