I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
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