I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
