Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
me + whiskey = a bad person
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
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