This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I think I am morally bankrupt
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I believe in your delicious
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
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